Well, here goes… I’ve been on a writing/streaming/game dev hiatus for about a year now. I kept trying to post some kind of update, to explain where I was and what I was doing, but I talked myself out of it every time.

To start with I was simply overwhelmed, and then I couldn’t figure out what to say or why I was thinking of saying anything at all. Was I trying to justify my absence? Did anyone even care? Did I?

I’m still uncertain, but I really, really miss writing. I miss making cool things with cool people and sharing them with even more cool people. So I’m taking this a sign that I’m ready to write something about the hiatus and where I’m at now.

I think delving into it too deeply would be uncomfortable, and likely unecessary, so I’m going to opt for something more concise – very out of character for me, I know – and do a quick lightning round of the year(ish) gone by. No re-reading, no edits – let’s speedrun this bad boi.

I’m oli now!

Update number 1 is that my name has changed! They who were known as Oona is now known as Oli! I’m keeping the ‘Tempest’ bit – it still feels fitting – and while I love the name Oona, I just feel like Oli suits me more. I originally started using Oona as a pseudonym because I was too anxious and insecure to make anything without a mask to hide behind. I’m still not quite ready to broadcast my whole self, but I at least want to use my name. I recently changed it IRL, so it felt like a fitting time to change it online too.

I turned 30!

June 9th was my 30th birthday! To celebrate, I had a cheeky lil existential crisis over entering a new decade of my life. Wondering what I wanted to do with this next decade led to an extensive undertaking of reflection on who I am, where I’ve been, where I am now, and where I want to go. This reflection session is partly why I’m writing again – I looked at my future if I stayed on the path I was on (avoidance, insecurity, choosing responsibility as a “breadwinner” as an excuse to avoid taking risks, etc), and didn’t like what I saw.

I also went to see the hippos! I have done it twice in a row now, so I’d say it’s birthday tradition at this point.

I don’t think I’m about to abandon everything and pursuse a romaticised ideal of the starving artist either, to be clear. I’ve learned recently that moderation is key, especially for someone like me , so I’m working on achieving a healthy, realistic middle ground…

I’ll let you know what that looks like when I get there!

I did decide I want to have children though – which surprised me. And I decided it’s probably in my 5 year plan, so that’s another point in the ‘make sure I’m financially stable’ column. But on the other hand, I’m not going to be a good parent if I’m miserable because I sold my soul to capitalism… so again, finding a middle ground seems to be the way to go!

Which is why I’m writing again, but not feverishly, like before. I’m prioritising my day job, but I’m also working on upskilling, so I can move from production assistant to project management, which will then help me gain more experience running projects and businesses, so I can still get closer to my dream of running a studio.

See – I’m learning compromise! Look at me go with all the personal growth – maybe those hermits of old had the right idea after all; I just needed a year of withdrawing into myself and now I have all the wisdom… surely.

I got another cat!

If you tuned into my streams anywhere between Jan 2nd 2024 and whenever it was I last streamed, you likely would have heard about the kitten I adopted – ♥Yuki♥. I adore him, he is my son, my sweet baby boi, a gremlin, sure, a feral creature who oftentimes becomes possessed by a demon, running up and down the length of the house making ungodly noises, yes, but also an angel who could never do wrong, who I adore, unbiasedly, with my whole heart.

We moved into a sharehouse last year, and one of my housemates had a cat. She then left the house a few months later – the housemate, not the cat – and left her cat behind. Which was just as well, because the cat she left behind – ♥Juno♥, an absolute diva who is well aware that she is the queen of whatever room she is in – bonded real hard with Yuki. Moreso in the other direction – my lil baby boi found a mother figure in Juno, an old lady – but still, they spent a lot of time together, playing and cuddling, and I knew it was going to be real rough trying to separate them.

But it turned out, I didn’t need to! My housemate’s ex still lived with us for a while after she left and he became Juno’s owner. When it came time for us to part ways, we agreed Juno had bonded too hard with Yuki, myself, and my partner, and so she became our cat. So now I live in a cute lil cottage with my partner and our two cats, which, amidst the challenges we’ve been going through this past year, is a pretty sweet lil cocoon of comfy, cozy, loving vibes.

I fixed my brain!

Not quite, but after using an exclamation mark for all the other headings, I felt the need to keep the tone consistent. I did see a psychiatrist though – finally – and got diagnosed with PTSD and bipolar (shocking). That ‘shocking’ was sarcastic, but honestly it was a little weird to come to terms with once it was official, even though I had suspected for a while.

Either way, I’ve been on new meds for a few months now and I am amazed at how much they have helped. They’re not miracles, obviously, and I’m doing a lot of work on improving my stress tolerance and emotional regulation – including lifestyle changes, like not overcommitting or starting too many new projects… *ahem* – and I feel like I’ve grown a lot in a very short space of time.

I started trauma counselling for the first time. I’d done therapy before, but it was more surface level stuff – CBT, mindfulness, etc – not actually diving into my childhood trauma and healing it. It was intense, to say the least, but necessary. I would have continued to be constantly on the run, throwing myself headfirst into the next shiny exciting thing, then hiding away when it all got too much – I became exhausted with the cycle, and I generally feel more settled now. Which makes sense – I don’t have the restless, agitated urge to run away anymore. At least, not as often, and not so intensely.

I’m more aware of stuff now, which is tiring in its own way, but I’m calmer, more stable, and I’m enjoying feeling like things can actually last. I have more hope for the future, and I’m not trapped in a self-perpetuating, self-destructive, spiral anymore. So that’s a nice feeling.

So what’s next?

I was brave and changed up the exclamation mark for a question mark – if that doesn’t show self-growth, I don’t know what does.

But in all seriousness, I’m not sure what is next. Part of my new bipolar training is practising making realistic and sustainable committments, so I’m hesitant to promise any particular business plan until those habits have been practised enough that I don’t have to think about it so hard.

I am enjoying writing, and I think I’ve come up with a sustainable plan, so I’ll continue dabbling and posting when I can. Which includes game dev too, by the way. I haven’t forgotten Project: Beast. Starting Grimamour Games was the beginning of my studio dreams, so I won’t be abandoning it. I’ve written some bits and pieces and learnt some programming, so I’ll continue to make slow and steady progress with that too – until I have something substantial enough that I feel comfortable getting the gang back together again and officially ending the hiatus.

I won’t be streaming though – at least not for a while. It’s quite a big time and energy sink for me, and I’d rather focus on writing and game dev. I’m also not sure how to have a healthy relationship with streaming yet, so I’ll need some more time to figure out how to do that, and whether I can do it at all.

Writing though – I don’t need to think about that so hard. It’s what I’ve always done to process my thoughts and feelings, and I’d say it’s fairly healthy, as far as copes go. It’s also a passion – it’s something I find fulfilling, and meaningful. I thought a lot about what kind of future I want, and what I kept coming back to is the feeling of joy I get from making things with inspirational friends – so that’s what I’m going to focus on, and I’ll just see where that path takes me.

P.S. Thank you to all my streamer buddies and otome friendos who have been absolutely lovely and warm in your reception of me when I cautiously tiptoed back into your online circles. I was very shy all over again, but got all the warm and fuzzy feelings and now I feel wayyyyy more comfortable. So I just wanted to let you all know that I appreciate you a lot, thank you ♥

Have you met my friend RJ?

RJ has written many an article for Sweet & Spicy, and edited many more. They’re a phenomenal writer, and they’ve just had their big return to streaming after moving to Japan! They were consistently incredibly supportive and reassuring while I retreated into my shell, and I am forever grateful that RJ and I crossed paths.

They also rebooted their own review site, Doki Doki Digest, which I highly recommend checking out! If fanfiction is more your vibe, they are also a prolific writer on AO3 and Tumblr.

Thank You

~☆ Patrons ☆~

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